DON'T EVEN TRY TO "HELP". YOU AIN'T DOING SHIT ANYWAY.

i'm constantly reminded exactly how much i CAN'T do by people who are supposedly trying to "help" me. THEY DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO IDENTIFY MY SITUATION AND MY PAST EXPERIENCES- EVEN WHEN I REITERATE THEM NUMEROUS FUCKING TIMES. the lady who is paid to control my money won't let me buy with MY own fucking money and GOD FORBID MY SUPPOSED ADVOCATE HELPS ME GET A DAMN VEHICLE SO I CAN TAKE MY BEHIND-THE-WHEEL LICENSE TEST. i have a suspicion that she KNOWS how courage kenny takes advantage of my lack of advocacy and resources. i've paid for fucking behind-the-wheel lessons and i have my damn driver's permit.. probably for at least 2 or 3 years. i'm more ambulatory than people who i've seen with their damn driver's licenses. i'm trying to think of the least painful way to end it all but then the realization just came- when i'm gone, it won't matter how much it hurts because i'll be GONE. then i won't have to ask permission to LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE AND HAVE ADVOCACY FROM PEOPLE WHO REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME- SHE WAS JUST BASICALLY CORNERED INTO AGREEING SHE'D ADVOCATE FOR ME AND SHE ASSUMED IT'D BE EASY LIKE HOW MY GRANDMA USED TO ADVOCATE FOR MY MOM WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE BECAUSE WE'RE BOTH RETARDS AND MY MOM DOESN'T HAVE A JOB! SO THEREFORE SHE DOESN'T HAVE A MIND AND WILL JUST BE GRATEFUL FOR THE LITTLE SHIT SHE DOES GET BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WORK FOR IT- WHY SHOULD SHE EXPECT TO GET WHAT SHE WANTS IN LIFE. THIS'LL BE EASY! RIGHT AMANDA?! I'M A RETARD WITH A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY! I JUST DESERVE WHATEVER I GET AND I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR IT! NOW SHE CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME NOT HAVING A DRIVER'S LICENSE AND GET HER IN-LAW ANOTHER BRAIN INJURED CLIENT FOR HER SORRY ASS EXCUSE OF AN EMPLOYER AGAIN AT COURAGE KENNY! WHO GIVES A SHIT IF STACY HAS DONE ALL THIS SHIT BEFORE NUMEROUS FUCKING TIMES! SHE'S A RETARD WITH A BRAIN INJURY AND NO ONE CARES ENOUGH ABOUT HER TO SPEAK UP FOR HER ANYWAY! RIGHT AMANDA?! YOU GOT HER RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT HER! FUCK ANY OF HER GOALS! IT'S ALL ABOUT WHAT'S CONVENIENT AND BENEFICIAL TO YOU AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY WHO DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME UNLESS IT'S CONVENIENT AND/OR BENEFICIAL FOR THEM! i'll never get anywhere or anything as long as i don't have advocacy and my advocacy has her head up her in-law's ass, thinking she'll gain points if she gets them another mindless rehab. tool who already has went through MANY years of therapy along with i passed my knowledge test to get my permit AT LEAST four times i think. i just thought of a pretty painless way but i'm not sure how long it'd take. it's kinda surprising that i feel this shitty after meeting with my psychologist because i think she usually may makes it more obvious about things i should be grateful for.. then i get brought back down to earth after checking my e-mail and reminded by amy just how vulnerable and neglected i REALLY am. thanks a lot. i'll just continue to think of ways to end it. if that's alright- IF THAT'S CONVENIENT AND BENEFICIAL FOR YOU GUYS. MY MOM WOULD BE HAPPY! SHE'D GET ALL THE SYMPATHY AND ATTENTION SHE WANTS!.. wait wait wait.. i'm trying to TALK myself INTO this. my mom's happiness is the LEAST of my concerns. so i hit a wall again. I HOPE SHE SUFFERS AT LEAST AS MUCH AS I'VE BEEN FORCED TO ON ACCOUNT OF HER. on earth too because i already know she's going to hell for it. hopefully i get this shit solved soon before it literally kills me. AMANDA AND MY MOM DON'T GIVE A FUCK THOUGH! JUST AS LONG AS IT'S CONVENIENT AND BENEFICIAL FOR THEM! if somehow i get forced to go back to that sorry ass excuse of a "rehabilitation center", i'm gonna act like a lazy ass maniac who hates the world- ESPECIALLY my pathetic ass excuse of a "family" (except joe). seeing as i'm never gonna go back to that sorry ass excuse of a "rehabilitation center" ever again- people should be glad that i'm not gonna do this. trust me.. if i get bored- i may show up and get my ass kicked out of there.. to the point where i'm BANNED. could be fun and trust me i'm capable of it. i've done crazier shit in my life before. people better hope i stay employed. (i have absolutely no plans to act like a maniac at any of my jobs- so people better hope that i continue to have a job so i don't get bored enough to act maniacal like examples i have just provided.. trust me- i'll do it).